Dave Chappelle – Korean Store Poem

One night at 3 AM I went to the corner store
I forgot why…oh, that’s right, I wanted a bite
I had the munchies because I was high
The store is owned by Mr. Fong
And every day he sees me, he does me wrong
He’s Korean, and I never say I hate all Korean people
I haven’t met all Korean people, that hate talk is for savages
But even though I don’t generalize, I do do percentages and averages
So far I hate 1 out of 5 Korean people I’ve met so far
So I come in the store…”hello Mr. Fong”, I say
And he just scowls at me and growls at me
“Buy something…hurry up”
Now look, I’m not stealing the least
But if you’re shopping, and you know someone’s watching you shop
That shit’ll make you look like a thief
Mr. Fong said, “Hey! I’ve been watching you since you came in the door,
buy something now, or get out of my store!”
Now “I” couldn’t take it anymore
“Hey, Hey!” I said, raising my hand, “get your fingers out of my face
China man!”
Mr. Fong say “Hey! Hey! what make you think I’m Chinese? You must not know what you seeing! You made a mistake “brack man”, Mr. Fong is Korean!”
Now, I was wrong. I was wrong, I said, uh, Mr. Fong, I’m sorry to offend
by mistaking your race, but you gotta admit, if it was a Chinese look-alike contest, your ass would place!
You’re a dead ringer for a Chinese
But don’t be mad at me, I didn’t mean to offend you in the least
Some people say all black people look alike, we call those people, “Police”.

Dave Chappelle – Fuck Ashton Kutcher and How I Got The Lead on Jeopardy

Dave Chappelle caps on Ashton Kutcher and goes for the daily double on Jeopardy.

Dave Chappelle- Fuck Ashton Kutcher Poem

Fuck Ashton Kutcher
The public image butcher.

His shows a hit
And I can’t stand that shit.
I don’t even know him
And I hate his guts.

If he punks me
I won’t sign the release.
Because whenever he punks black people
It always involves the POLICE.

He be having all them white folks at home rollin’
“Brandy did you know that that jewelery was STOLEN?!”
But Hey! I’m a star!
Well stop shining and get your ass out that car.

Now he wouldn’t like it
If me and my friends
Just before dawn
Bust in his house
With some ski masks on
Put a gun in his mouth
Turn on the lights
And just when he screams
I’ll yell out “SIKE!”
Can you sign this release?
I want to entertain people with your fear.
You punk bitch.

Dave Chapplle – How I Got The Lead In Jeapordy

The score is 200
We’re all tied neck and neck
And it’s my turn to address Alex Trebek
I close my eyes and I thank the Lord
Finally, my category is on the board
“I’ll take fucked up things white people do for a thousand, Alex.”

A bell went off, this could mean trouble
“Today’s answer my friends is a Daily Double.”
I took a deep breath, I held myself steady
And Alex Trebek was like, “Dave are you ready?”
Hit the buzzer, “What is yes.”
And Alex said, “I didn’t ask you the question yet,”
“Now how much money you willing to bet?”

Smiled with confidence, my hand on my balls
I said, “Alex, I’m willing to bet it all.”
And Alex said, “Okay, here’s your question.”
“They stole these people’s land as they gave them syphilis.”
[Dave hits the mic like it’s a buzzer]
“Who is everybody that’s not white.”
Alex looks at the card disappointed
“Oh, my God, he’s right.”