George Carlin – Creation of the Ten Commandments Was a Marketing Decision (Video)

George Carlin - Creation of the Ten Commandments Was a Marketing Decision (Video) | Third Monk

George Carlin makes fun of the ten commandments and gives the list a needed revision in this clip from his stand up comedy special When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops (2004)

George Carlin – Ten Commandments Transcript

I have a problem with the Ten Commandments. Here it is: Why are there ten? We don’t need that many. I think the list of commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten. It’s clearly a padded list.

Here’s how it happened: About five thousand years ago, a bunch of reli­gious and political hustlers got together to figure out how they could control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so these guys announced that God— God personally—had given one of them a list of Ten Commandments that he wanted everyone to follow. They claimed the whole thing took place on a mountaintop, when no one else was around.

But let me ask you something: When these guys were sittin’ around the tent makin’ all this up, why did they pick ten? Why ten? Why not nine, or eleven? I’ll tell you why. Because ten sounds important. Ten sounds official. They knew if they tried eleven, people wouldn’t take them seriously. People would say, “What’re you kiddin’ me? The Eleven Commandments? Get the fuck outta here!”

But ten! Ten sounds important. Ten is the basis for the decimal system; it’s a decade. It’s a psychologically satisfying number: the top ten; the ten most wanted; the ten best-dressed. So deciding on Ten Commandments was clearly a marketing decision. And it’s obviously a bullshit list. In truth, it’s a politic; document, artificially inflated to sell better.

I’m going to show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that’s a bit more logical and realistic. We’ll start with the first three, and I’ll use the Roman Catholic version because those are the ones I was fed as a little boy.

I AM THE LORD THY GOD, THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME.

THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN.

THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH.

Okay, right off the bat, the first three commandments—pure bullshit “Sabbath day,” “Lord’s name,” “strange gods.” Spooky language. Spooky language designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious mumbo jumbo like this apply to the lives of intelligent, civilized human in the twenty-first century. You throw out the first three commandments, am you’re down to seven.

HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER.

This commandment is about obedience and respect for authority; in other words it’s simply a device for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should not be granted automatically. They should be earned. They should be based on the parents’ (or the authority figure’s) performance. Some parents deserve respect. Most of them don’t. Period. We’re down to six.

Now, in the interest of logic—something religion has a really hard time with—I’m going to skip around the list a little bit:

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.

THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS.

Stealing and lying. Actually, when you think about it, these two com­mandments cover the same sort of behavior: dishonesty. Stealing and lying. So we don’t need two of them. Instead, we combine these two and call it “Thou shalt not be dishonest.” Suddenly we’re down to five.

And as long as we’re combining commandments I have two others that be­long together:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S WIFE.

Once again, these two prohibit the same sort of behavior; in this case, mar­ital infidelity. The difference between them is that coveting takes place in the mind. And I don’t think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else’s wife, otherwise what’s a guy gonna think about when he’s flogging his dong?

But marital fidelity is a good idea, so I suggest we keep the idea and call this commandment “Thou shalt not be unfaithful.” Suddenly we’re down to four.

And when you think about it further, honesty and fidelity are actually parts of the same overall value. So, in truth, we could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments, and, using positive lan­guage instead of negative, call the whole thing “Thou shalt always be honest and faithful.” And now we’re down to three.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S GOODS.

This one is just plain stupid. Coveting your neighbor’s goods is what keeps the economy going: Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays “O Come All Ye Faithful,” you want to get one, too. Coveting creates jobs. Leave it alone.

You throw out coveting and you’re down to two now: the big, combined honesty/fidelity commandment, and the one we haven’t mentioned yet:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL.

Murder. The Fifth Commandment. But, if you give it a little thought, you realize that religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.

To cite a few examples, just think about Irish history, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, our own abortion-doctor killings and, yes, the World Trade Center to see how seriously religious people take Thou Shalt Not Kill. Apparently, to religious folks—especially the truly devout—murder is ne­gotiable. It just depends on who’s doing the killing and who’s getting killed.

And so, with all of this in mind, folks, I offer you my revised list of the Two Commandments:

First:

THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL, ESPECIALLY TO THE PROVIDER OF THY NOOKIE.

And second:

THOU SHALT TRY REAL HARD NOT TO KILL ANYONE, UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY PRAY TO A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE AVENGER THAN THE ONE YOU PRAY TO.

Two is all you need, folks. Moses could have carried them down the hill in his pocket. And if we had a list like that, I wouldn’t mind that brilliant judge in Alabama displaying it prominently in his courthouse lobby. As long he in­cluded one additional commandment:

THOU SHALT KEEP THY RELIGION TO THYSELF!!!

George-Carlin-ten-commandments

George Carlin – Psychedelics Opens the Windows of Your Mind (Video)

George Carlin - Psychedelics Opens the Windows of Your Mind (Video) | Third Monk

George Carlin talks about a point in his comedy career where he was directing his message to the wrong people. The close minded and uptight war generation didn’t want to hear him, but the children of the 60s embraced his declarations of peace, love, and change.

Hallucinogens are value changers, so is marijuana. Like it or not, it changes your values.

It opens up your windows, doors of perceptions was what Aldous Huxley called them.

You see things differently and I suddenly was able to see my place and realize I was in the wrong place.

Bill Hicks – Mushroom Trip Experience, We All Are One (Video)

Bill Hicks - Mushroom Trip Experience, We All Are One (Video) | Third Monk

In this scene from American: The Bill Hicks Story, Bill Hicks’ friends David Johndrow and Kevin Booth describe a mushroom trip where the three buddies encountered peace, love, and interdimensional beings.

You never see a positive drug story on the news. They always have the same LSD story. You’ve all seen it:

“Today a young man on acid … thought he could fly … jumped out of a building … what a tragedy!” What a dick. He’s an idiot. If he thought he could fly, why didn’t he take off from the ground first? Check it out? You don’t see geese lined up to catch elevators to fly south; they fly from the fucking ground. He’s an idiot. He’s dead. Good! We lost a moron? Fucking celebrate. There’s one less moron in the world.

Wouldn’t you like to see a positive LSD story on the news?

To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition?

Perhaps? Wouldn’t that be interesting? Just for once?

“Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There’s no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we’re the imagination of ourselves.”

mushroom-trip-scene

Zach Galifianakis Smokes a Joint on HBO’s Real Time With Bill Maher (Video)

Zach Galifianakis Smokes a Joint on HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher (Video) | Third Monk image 1

To celebrate the legalization of recreational marijuana in Colorado and Washington, here is a clip from two years ago when Zach Galifianakis smoked a joint on Bill Maher’s show to express his support for California’s Prop 19.

Maher, a longtime supporter of marijuana law reform, welcomed Galifianakis to his talk show, where a panel discussion ensued about California’s upcoming Proposition 19 vote on whether to legalize, tax and regulate cannabis.

“It’s a tricky thing politically to jump on that bandwagon [and vote for the legalization of marijuana] because I think that maybe people still see it as taboo,” Galifianakis, the star of Hangover, said.

Pulling a joint and lighter from his coat pocket, Galifianakis fired up and started puffing, pausing to allow conservative reporter and fellow guest Margaret Hoover to sniff the joint, confirming it was the real thing.