Demetri Martin – Jokes With a Guitar and Drawings (Video)

Demetri Martin - Jokes With a Guitar and Drawings (Video) | Third Monk

Demetri Martin is a comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer and humorist. Martin is best known for his work as a stand-up comedian, contributor on The Daily Show and for his Comedy Central show Important Things with Demetri.

Demetri Martin – Jokes With Drawings

Demetri Martin – Jokes With a Guitar

Demetri Martin – Jokes on Conan

Dave Chappelle – Korean Store, Ashton Kutcher, Jeopardy Poems, Def Poetry Jam (Video)

Dave Chappelle - Korean Store, Ashton Kutcher, Jeopardy Poems, Def Poetry Jam (Video) | Third Monk

Dave Chappelle – Korean Store Poem

One night at 3 AM I went to the corner store
I forgot why…oh, that’s right, I wanted a bite
I had the munchies because I was high
The store is owned by Mr. Fong
And every day he sees me, he does me wrong
He’s Korean, and I never say I hate all Korean people
I haven’t met all Korean people, that hate talk is for savages
But even though I don’t generalize, I do do percentages and averages
So far I hate 1 out of 5 Korean people I’ve met so far
So I come in the store…”hello Mr. Fong”, I say
And he just scowls at me and growls at me
“Buy something…hurry up”
Now look, I’m not stealing the least
But if you’re shopping, and you know someone’s watching you shop
That shit’ll make you look like a thief
Mr. Fong said, “Hey! I’ve been watching you since you came in the door,
buy something now, or get out of my store!”
Now “I” couldn’t take it anymore
“Hey, Hey!” I said, raising my hand, “get your fingers out of my face
China man!”
Mr. Fong say “Hey! Hey! what make you think I’m Chinese? You must not know what you seeing! You made a mistake “brack man”, Mr. Fong is Korean!”
Now, I was wrong. I was wrong, I said, uh, Mr. Fong, I’m sorry to offend
by mistaking your race, but you gotta admit, if it was a Chinese look-alike contest, your ass would place!
You’re a dead ringer for a Chinese
But don’t be mad at me, I didn’t mean to offend you in the least
Some people say all black people look alike, we call those people, “Police”.

Dave Chappelle – Fuck Ashton Kutcher and How I Got The Lead on Jeopardy

Dave Chappelle caps on Ashton Kutcher and goes for the daily double on Jeopardy.

Dave Chappelle- Fuck Ashton Kutcher Poem

Fuck Ashton Kutcher
The public image butcher.

His shows a hit
And I can’t stand that shit.
I don’t even know him
And I hate his guts.

If he punks me
I won’t sign the release.
Because whenever he punks black people
It always involves the POLICE.

He be having all them white folks at home rollin’
“Brandy did you know that that jewelery was STOLEN?!”
But Hey! I’m a star!
Well stop shining and get your ass out that car.

Now he wouldn’t like it
If me and my friends
Just before dawn
Bust in his house
With some ski masks on
Put a gun in his mouth
Turn on the lights
And just when he screams
I’ll yell out “SIKE!”
Can you sign this release?
I want to entertain people with your fear.
You punk bitch.

Dave Chapplle – How I Got The Lead In Jeapordy

The score is 200
We’re all tied neck and neck
And it’s my turn to address Alex Trebek
I close my eyes and I thank the Lord
Finally, my category is on the board
“I’ll take fucked up things white people do for a thousand, Alex.”

A bell went off, this could mean trouble
“Today’s answer my friends is a Daily Double.”
I took a deep breath, I held myself steady
And Alex Trebek was like, “Dave are you ready?”
Hit the buzzer, “What is yes.”
And Alex said, “I didn’t ask you the question yet,”
“Now how much money you willing to bet?”

Smiled with confidence, my hand on my balls
I said, “Alex, I’m willing to bet it all.”
And Alex said, “Okay, here’s your question.”
“They stole these people’s land as they gave them syphilis.”
[Dave hits the mic like it’s a buzzer]
“Who is everybody that’s not white.”
Alex looks at the card disappointed
“Oh, my God, he’s right.”

Patrice O’Neal – The Nasty Show (Video)

Patrice O'Neal - The Nasty Show (Video) | Third Monk image 1

Enjoy this hilarious stand up set from Patrice O’Neal during “The Nasty Show,” part of TBS Presents A Very Funny Festival – Just for Laughs Chicago, June 2009.

Patrice O’Neal “The Nasty Show” Part 1

Have you ever wanted to watch a stand up comedy set with a date?  Start with this one… and if it’s going well, continue with the next one…

 

Patrice O’Neal “The Nasty Show” Part 2

And if its really going well, hit her with the Houdini. Taadow!!!

Bill Maher On Creativity and Psychedelics (Video)

Bill Maher On Creativity and Psychedelics (Video) | Third Monk

Adderall is the drug of choice these days on campus. Oh, what fun. I don’t know what I would enjoy more, the extremely focused parties or the highly detail oriented sex. But here’s the thing, when Steve Jobs was young, the drug of choice was acid and Jobs told his biographer that dropping acid as a young man was one of the best things he ever did because when he took it with his girlfriend, the wheat field started playing Bach. Which is pretty unbelievable – a computer nerd had a girlfriend?

Now, maybe there’s not a connection between LSD and genius, but it’s something no great American ever said about a Kit-Kat bar. If it weren’t for acid, you might not have an iPod and you definitely wouldn’t have some of the best music in your iPod. Francis Crick discovered the structure of DNA while on acid. The Beatles made “Sergeant Pepper” while on acid.

And it’s not just anecdotal. In a study from Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine last month, scientists found that a single dose of psilocybin, which is the drug in mushrooms, created a quote “long-term positive personality change in most patients.” People improved in the areas of sensitivity, imagination, and broad-minded tolerance of others. In pharmaceutical speak, psilocybin is known as an asshole inhibitor. And couldn’t we use a little more of that?

Patrice O’Neal on Strong Women, Monogamy

Patrice O'Neal on Strong Women, Monogamy | Third Monk image 1

 

Patrice O’Neal On Unhappy Women Dating “Weak Men”

It’s like if you’re a great white shark. There’s male great whites and there’s female great whites. A lot of men try to date within our league. Most male sharks see female sharks and desire them. But some women go, “I hate the way male sharks treat female sharks so I’m now going to date these penguins or seals who look at me and run in fear. I’m gonna catch one and I’m not gonna eat it, but I’m just gonna play around with it and have this weaker animal who looks at me with fear and reverence.”

That’s why these quality strong women date these weak men. They think “I’m not gonna sit here and deal with other sharks” But after dating their food for a while, it gets to a point where they go “I fucken hate this guy. I hate what he is, he lets me do anything I want, I talk to him like he’s a piece of shit. I spit at him and he just does nothing. I’m gonna eat him.”

Then she wonders, “How do I feel like a woman?” She finds another shark and her natural shark instinct is try to challenge him like she does with her food. But the male shark says “Hey bitch, look, don’t talk to me like that, I don’t let no female sharks treat me like that. I gotta deal with niggas trying to hunt me, gotta deal with other male sharks trying to bite me. I gotta deal with you bitch? No, that Jaws music ain’t yours, that’s mine mothafucka.”

 

Patrice O’Neal On How Women Strip Their Men of Attractive Qualities

I just want my girl to know that my natural instincts stopped once I said I love her. I made a decision to be a “good guy”. I know that fucking a lot of women is bad for her. She don’t want it. She wants commitment and she wants monogamy and I give it to her and I just want her to know that, I want her to value the sacrifice. All I want is for women to understand what we are. We want a lot of fucken women.

It’s like being a fisherman, you go out there and try to catch fish. You catch the fish and you show it to your friends, you take a picture, you look at it, and you throw it back in the water. Your girl is a fish that jumped back on the boat after you threw it in the water. Because you caught her, she keeps jumping back on your boat.

Usually some fish get the idea they swim back into the ocean and hope you come back again to catch them but the fish that’s in your life was just flapping around your boat. She ran all the other fish off.

At some point you tell her “Look my job is to catch fish”

And she goes “What the fuck, is that all I am to you?”

And as a man that has this dichotomy, you say “No, no I’m not a piece of shit. You’re the last fish. I wanted to catch you”

Now you’re dating and in love and your girl says “Now that you love me…why do you still have your boat? And why do you still have your pole? And all your bait?”

And you say “So are you saying you want me to stop being what I was to get you? What that means, when I stop being what I am, you start to look at me and say “You aint even got a boat, that guy has a boat, you used to be this great fisherman”

> Patrice O’Neal Remembered | Marc Maron’s WTF Podcast

Bobby Lee Animated Mad TV Stories (Joe Rogan Podcast) (Video)

Bobby Lee Animated Mad TV Stories (Joe Rogan Podcast) (Video) | Third Monk image 2

Check out these animated clips of Bobby Lee’s Mad TV stories on the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast.

He takes a shit in the Mad TV office and farts in a girl’s mouth, bringing her to tears. Other comedians love Bobby Lee because he’s so crazy and unfiltered.

Bobby Lee Animated Mad TV Stories Part 1

 

Bobby Lee Animated Mad TV Stories Part 2