Bill Hicks calls for mandatory marijuana, setting everyone straight on which drugs are better.

So I don’t drink. I don’t do drugs…anymore.

I used to take drugs and I quit, but I’ll tell you something. I have nothing against drugs whatsoever, that’s kinda weird, huh? Never heard that one, used to take drugs, quit, and have nothing against them. Wow, never heard that, let’s hear more. Okay.

I’ll tell you something else, and I know this is not a very popular idea, you don’t hear very often anymore, but it’s the truth. I have taken drugs before, and uh, I had a real good time.


Didn’t murder anybody, didn’t rob anybody, didn’t rape anybody, didn’t beat anybody, didn’t lose hmmm, one fucking job. Laughed my ass off and went about my day.


Now, where’s my commercial?

Shit I’ll be the guy holding that skillet in that commercial, man. That ain’t a brain, that’s breakfast. Let’s eat. What have been up – five days now? I’m fucking starving.

I find that commercial a tad insulting to my intelligence, you know the one, here’s your brain. I’ve seen a lot of things on drugs, but I have never, ever, ever looked at an egg, and thought it was a fucking brain. Not once.

I have seen UFO’s split the sky like a sheet, but I have never looked at an egg and thought it was a fucking brain, not once. I have had 7 balls of light come off of a UFO lead me on to their ship, explain to me, telepathically that we are all one and that there is no such thing as death, but I have never looked at an egg and thought it was a fucking brain.

Now, maybe I wasn’t getting good shit.

That’s what I hate about the war on drugs, I’ll be honest with you. It’s what I can’t stand, is all day long we see those commercials: here’s your brain, here’s your brain on drugs, why do you think they call it dope. And then the next commercial is: This bud’s for you, come on everybody, let’s be hypocritical bastards. It’s okay to drink your drug, we meant those other drugs, those untaxed drugs. Those are the ones that are bad for you.

Nicotine, alcohol, coincidently taxed drugs, ooo, how does this fucking work? Thank god they’re taxing alcohol man, it means we got those good roads we can get fucked up and drive on. Thank god they’re taxing this shit man, we’d be doing donuts in a wheat field right now, thank god we’re on a highway, woo, this is a good drug.

Cause I’ll tell you something, Ill be honest man, if I was going to legalize a drug it sure wouldn’t have been alcohol. Sorry. There are better drugs and better drugs for you, that’s a fact, you may stop your internal dialogue.

But, Bill, alcohol is an acceptab- shut the fuck up, you’re wrong..kay? kay.

Shit, not only do I think marijuana should be legalized. I think it should be mandatory. I’m a hard liner.

Think about it man, you get in traffic behind somebody. *Honks*

Shut up and smoke that, it’s the law.

Oh, sorry. I was taking life seriously. Oh man, who’s hungry?

That’d be a nice world wouldn’t it? Quiet, mellow, hungry, high people everywhere. Just Domino’s pizza trucks passing everybody. Every single highway, parades of Domino’s.

Let them get stuck in traffic, all our pizzas will be free.

I’m a fucking dreamer man…But I’m not the only one.

Dreamers, man.

Pot is a better drug than alcohol, fact, FACT. Stop your internal dialogue. But, Bill, alcohol is an accepta- shut up. You’re wrong get over it. Kay? Kay.

I’ll prove it to you man, you’re at a ball game or a concert and someone’s really violent and aggressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or smoking pot?

They’re drunk.

I have never seen people on pot get in a fight, because it is fucking impossible.

Hey buddy.

Hey, what?



End of argument.



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